I'm 19.

'Nuff said.

Uhm. Wow. Just...wanted to get rid of the other journal.

I'm not functioning right now. I'll make a better journal when I don't wanna blow my brains out, or smoke enough clove cigars to drown me in smoke.

I saw Imi. She was a fucking godsend... omg. More next journal, probably around my birthday. Which is December 24th.

...Imma go back to sleep now....

End of the semester and all.... nini....

These days it's becoming more and more difficult for me to smile and mean it. I suppose this title is appropriate, despite it just being another song that I was listening to at the time. I feel like I'm lying. I can't be positive and happy and cheerful all the time. I've hit a standstill and I feel so lost. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here, or really what I'm supposed to be feeling. I know I have friends, but when I think about it I can't think of anybody I really have to spill my guts to anymore except a few internet people. I can't possibly spill it all to Nathaniel. It also seems that Nate is the only one I see these days aside from my new roommates.

Oh yea. I got those by the way. Three new peeps moved into my dorm on Halloween. At first I was absolutely mortified, but now I really love all of them. It's wonderful to live in a dorm like this and get along with everyone. I wish it could've been like this from the beginning rather then what it had become. I'm so skeptical about so much.

What hurts the most is that I... I know that in my deepest heart I love Nate, but I am not sure what else I am supposed to feel, or how I'm supposed to act. So I feel very awkward all the time... the feelings that are supposed to accompany love and affection... I'm not sure if I really feel them or am faking them. Am writing the script that I see in my head. The perfect script that I'm used to living by. All my actions are planned and done according to the person I wish I was. An anime character. Every move is typical and planned. I won't do something if it doesn't act right, and when I try to be true and honest to myself... I don't feel anything at all. But there are moments, when I'm with him, that I ramble and blurt out things I wouldn't ever say. Or would I? Is the embarrassment and lack of confidence part of my facade as well?

I hope that it is not. I -know- that it is not. I only wish I knew how to feel. I feel only emptiness these days. A dismal bitter emptiness filled with rage and loneliness... and a frustration I cannot explain. Also an inexplicable sadness that I cannot figure myself out or get back on the path I was so happy to be on. I am going forward, and I will keep doing so... but am I sane enough to make it? I pray I am.

I have hurt people. I have done bad things. I do not wish to do these things anymore. I wonder why I don't have any real feelings in real situations. I act on an impulse-based script. The perfect response. The perfect act. So perfect even I can't see through it. And this act is hurting my boyfriend. As it has hurt many other people.

At least I am honest with him. As honest as I can be... but he is sensitive. Sensitive and caring. I know I am not good for him, but he accepts me anyway. He loves me. I must do something to fix this... but what... but what...

in other news... hopefully going to an Imogen Heap concert December 1st. Super fucking excited. owo;

I love you guys.

- Zan/Jen

I've always been told, through all the bad things, that it will get better. And that was one thing I hated the absolute most. I never ever believed it. Things never got better for me. Not ever. For five years I watched and waited, and sometimes I pursued it a little, begging for things to get better and never being given these things. I oft told myself that I wasn't allowed to be happy. That I didn't deserve such things. And.... slowly I am finding that that is the biggest bullshit I could've ever thought up. *laughs* That's right. I just said all that negative crap isn't what I think anymore. And it's true. I'm not lying to myself. I'm being honest.

With the help of my friend Kit (ILUSOMUCHDORMOUSE!), Karen, Jess, and the entire fencing club, I've found that there is a place in the world with my own little pocket full of happy sunshine and rainbows. (And we're not gonna exaggerate on the rainbows here. Guys I'm in Philly, the city of brotherly love and in a school where if the guy is straight, consider yourself LUCKY. But he's probably got a girl somewhere. -For the slow people, this means nearly all the guys here are gay.-) And you can't say that the fencing people are... most of them are graduated. They just come because they love it. Yes. My new crew of comrades are mostly graduates or do not attend the school any more. All of them older than me. (Reminds me of HS guys. <3)

On the path to this... most positive way of life isn't the easiest thing in the world, I'll admit, however... and sometimes I get discouraged, and taken over again. But you know... I'm never gonna give up. I started something. And it's working. And I love it. I love waking up every day with the prospect of having all these wonderful people in my life... in addition with all you guys back home. With my dog. With my family. With people that care about me. And I'm realizing that that's enough. (It also helps that I'm going out with one of my fencing club friends. >>; Yes it's truth. Gah... complications. Do not ask.)

... anyway... what should I have for breakfast? XD

....fencing... has changed my life.

I mean, aside from like ... now being physically challenged to get up and -do- shit all the time.

I met the greatest group of people ever... Nate, John, Ann, Gwyn, Kritsa, ...some other kid... Gordon... a fuck ton of people to hang out with now, on top of Jess already. And just like... I'm having a better time with some of the other kids in my class, they're being nicer to me, people like Chris. And I'm friendly with people on my floor like Marlon and Ashley and Kait and Kat.

It's just... really...really nice... *smiles*

Also... it was the most... epic moment of my life tonight. I hope I'll never forget it... it felt like it passed so quickly though ... I hope it comes again sometime...

Nate brought us up to the ROOF. Seriously. Like the best view of the city ever in the twilight... it was... it felt so surreal... really out of a movie, I loved it.

Also, they like STEAMPUNK! T________T <33333 Eeee >3 I hope we can hang out later... now I need to make more pasta ;;