Oh yea. I got those by the way. Three new peeps moved into my dorm on Halloween. At first I was absolutely mortified, but now I really love all of them. It's wonderful to live in a dorm like this and get along with everyone. I wish it could've been like this from the beginning rather then what it had become. I'm so skeptical about so much.
What hurts the most is that I... I know that in my deepest heart I love Nate, but I am not sure what else I am supposed to feel, or how I'm supposed to act. So I feel very awkward all the time... the feelings that are supposed to accompany love and affection... I'm not sure if I really feel them or am faking them. Am writing the script that I see in my head. The perfect script that I'm used to living by. All my actions are planned and done according to the person I wish I was. An anime character. Every move is typical and planned. I won't do something if it doesn't act right, and when I try to be true and honest to myself... I don't feel anything at all. But there are moments, when I'm with him, that I ramble and blurt out things I wouldn't ever say. Or would I? Is the embarrassment and lack of confidence part of my facade as well?
I hope that it is not. I -know- that it is not. I only wish I knew how to feel. I feel only emptiness these days. A dismal bitter emptiness filled with rage and loneliness... and a frustration I cannot explain. Also an inexplicable sadness that I cannot figure myself out or get back on the path I was so happy to be on. I am going forward, and I will keep doing so... but am I sane enough to make it? I pray I am.
I have hurt people. I have done bad things. I do not wish to do these things anymore. I wonder why I don't have any real feelings in real situations. I act on an impulse-based script. The perfect response. The perfect act. So perfect even I can't see through it. And this act is hurting my boyfriend. As it has hurt many other people.
At least I am honest with him. As honest as I can be... but he is sensitive. Sensitive and caring. I know I am not good for him, but he accepts me anyway. He loves me. I must do something to fix this... but what... but what...
in other news... hopefully going to an Imogen Heap concert December 1st. Super fucking excited. owo;
I love you guys.
- Zan/Jen











But hope all is well~
Like your gallery *_*
I'm watch you, ok? ^^
Watch back??
Kissus
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Nenhuma causa é perdida se restar um único tolo que lute por ela.
Fotolog - [link] Cosspace - [link] Cosplay.com - [link] Blog - [link]
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*free hugs* <3
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