These days it's becoming more and more difficult for me to smile and mean it. I suppose this title is appropriate, despite it just being another song that I was listening to at the time. I feel like I'm lying. I can't be positive and happy and cheerful all the time. I've hit a standstill and I feel so lost. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here, or really what I'm supposed to be feeling. I know I have friends, but when I think about it I can't think of anybody I really have to spill my guts to anymore except a few internet people. I can't possibly spill it all to Nathaniel. It also seems that Nate is the only one I see these days aside from my new roommates.

Oh yea. I got those by the way. Three new peeps moved into my dorm on Halloween. At first I was absolutely mortified, but now I really love all of them. It's wonderful to live in a dorm like this and get along with everyone. I wish it could've been like this from the beginning rather then what it had become. I'm so skeptical about so much.

What hurts the most is that I... I know that in my deepest heart I love Nate, but I am not sure what else I am supposed to feel, or how I'm supposed to act. So I feel very awkward all the time... the feelings that are supposed to accompany love and affection... I'm not sure if I really feel them or am faking them. Am writing the script that I see in my head. The perfect script that I'm used to living by. All my actions are planned and done according to the person I wish I was. An anime character. Every move is typical and planned. I won't do something if it doesn't act right, and when I try to be true and honest to myself... I don't feel anything at all. But there are moments, when I'm with him, that I ramble and blurt out things I wouldn't ever say. Or would I? Is the embarrassment and lack of confidence part of my facade as well?

I hope that it is not. I -know- that it is not. I only wish I knew how to feel. I feel only emptiness these days. A dismal bitter emptiness filled with rage and loneliness... and a frustration I cannot explain. Also an inexplicable sadness that I cannot figure myself out or get back on the path I was so happy to be on. I am going forward, and I will keep doing so... but am I sane enough to make it? I pray I am.

I have hurt people. I have done bad things. I do not wish to do these things anymore. I wonder why I don't have any real feelings in real situations. I act on an impulse-based script. The perfect response. The perfect act. So perfect even I can't see through it. And this act is hurting my boyfriend. As it has hurt many other people.

At least I am honest with him. As honest as I can be... but he is sensitive. Sensitive and caring. I know I am not good for him, but he accepts me anyway. He loves me. I must do something to fix this... but what... but what...

in other news... hopefully going to an Imogen Heap concert December 1st. Super fucking excited. owo;

I love you guys.

- Zan/Jen